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| i found out tonight what the inside of an onion looks like. it was beautiful and bittersweet. | | |
| so I am a sophomore. my third day of class is tomorrow. everything is going just fine.
exCEPT i don't really have a major. as a sophomore, I am beginning to feel pressure to choose and declare. it's getting to the point where I am running out of gen ed credits to take, and I have to declare by the end of spring semester, if not sooner, and I just am... unsure of what to do.
the problem is, I feel like there are many things that I COULD do and be good at. I just don't know what I would most enjoy or what area would fit my talents and interests best. on different days, I see myself in any number of occupations, ranging from advertising design to museum curator to book editor to foreign correspondent/journalist.
sigh. i'll make an appt with career services. | | |
| on a different note than what i was going on about last night, i've decided that christianity actually seems to be an easier way to go than... non-christianity. especially here in america.
what i mean is, being a christian gives you a clear purpose. it gives you a definite something to live for and a direction for how to guide your life. that is much more comforting than non-christianness, it seems to me. non-christians must feel that no matter what they do, it doesn't matter. or i think i would feel that way. no matter what i lived life for, money or travel or fame or whatever, it wouldn't really matter in the end, because i'd just die anyway.
and the bit about being in america... i meant that there are so many christians here, or at least people who call themselves such. to be a non-christian is just much harder. kind of like what being a christian in india might feel like, though not to that extent. at least in my life, the majority of people i know are christians, and they look at you funny when you say you might not believe that anymore. it's just tricky.
and i know that when you actually are a christian, and mean it, it's not supposed to be easy, because you have to give up what you want and all of that. but the main part of it, just the fact that you believe in something, and that it's something that everyone around you happens to believe too, just essentially is easier. what i'm trying to say is, from a general view, christianity seems easier than non-christianity. but from a christian perspective, it seems quite hard.
and i suppose that doesn't really say anything at all, does it? plus i think i've gone through all this before. and... in the end, it doesn't really matter how easy or hard any of it is, it just matters what is true, right? i just don't want to make any decisions just because one side seems easier, i suppose.
it's too early for such thoughts. breakfast time. | | |
| fucking pissed. that's what i am.
but really, i'm just hurt.
my family. they've just been twisting the knife a bit lately, and it hurts especially so because you just don't expect that from your family. or at least i don't. didn't. maybe i should from now on.
it all has to do with this stupid family vacation to scotland that i didn't get invited to go on. except oh wait i did get invited, but not until a week before they were leaving and it had occurred to them that maybe i was feeling left out. whatev. the kicker is that my souvenir for missing this family vacation is a 3 inch tall stuffed owl. what the hell? they asked me what i wanted in terms of souvenirs before they left, and i said, nothing knick-knacky because i hate those things; i want something that i can use/is pragmatic. and i got a stuffed owl.
i don't even really care that i didn't go to scotland or that i now have a tiny owl or that i had asked for something else. it's just the principle of it all. it's the attitude behind the actions that is the upsetting part. the lack of invitation to scotland seems to reveal that i'm slowly working my way out of the family scene without my express permission (or even encouragement), and that hurts. them asking what i want from scotland is a nice gesture, but then when you don't really listen to what i answer or if you do, you don't really give much thought to applying the answer into what to buy for me, then it all kind of loses its niceness, doesn't it? it means that they were in scotland on a family vacation without me, first off, and they didn't even give more thought to buying me, the fifth member of the family, something more than a tiny stuffed owl that they happened to grab from the harry potter gift shop on the way out.
maybe i'm reading too much into it, though. i do that.
it's just the lack of thought, i guess. it's not that i really wanted to go to scotland, or that i really wanted a souvenir. it's just the thought that would have been meaningful.
yuck. what a welcome-home greeting/present.
on the other hand, NC was sweet. i learned to surf, met lots of cool people, had a great time with paxton, and just pretty much enjoyed the ocean for 4 days. camping turned out to be fine; our tent was cool and they didn't allow cooking fires at the site so we ended up eating out most of the time anyway. plus they had a video arcade, which came in handy for the two rainy days. AND we made a spontaneous stop in DC on the way home last night, and then went sight-seeing today. that was sweet as well.
sidenote: i get to see karrie tomorrow for the first time since christmas. and she's meeting paxton. i am excited to see her.
anyway. all in all, i'm dead tired and in a bit of a foul mood, so i'm off to bed. 'night. | | |
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